Inappropriate Instagrams

by Andy Jay Bennett


Man, Instagram is just the greatest, isn't it? It can turn anybody with an iPhone into a professional photographer. And it can infuse even the most boring, lifeless images with some zip. Instagram is the greatest thing to happen to photography since the flashbulb.

And, if you ask me, Instagram shouldn't be reserved for pictures of babies or sunsets. It can even improve some of the most famous photos of all time. Check out the proof, below!

Isn't this better,  National Geographic?

Isn't this better, National Geographic?

All Nessie needed was a little filter love.

All Nessie needed was a little filter love.

Tiananmen Square - now with more sepia!

Tiananmen Square - now with more sepia!

Segregation, now in Indiglow!

Segregation, now in Indiglow!

What's that? These are inappropriate? Well SO IS USING INSTAGRAM ON EVERY PHOTO YOU TAKE.


The Perfect Business Idea

by Andy Jay Bennett


It's day 2 of 2013 and I've already discovered the idea that will build my fortune, pay off all my credit card debt, and get me that jet pack. Ready? Here it is:

...wait. Nobody steal this, okay? OKAY?! Okay. Good. Glad we got that out in the open.

Imagine you have a stack of post-it notes in your car. And they were for moments like this one, which you've just stumbled across in the mall parking lot:

photo.JPG

And you take one of these post-it notes, and you slap it on the windshield of this car. And on this post-it note are 6 simple words:

You park like a fucking idiot.


My New Year's Resolutions

by Andy Jay Bennett


Hey, anybody want this last scoop of cheese dip? No? What about these Christmas cookies? I'm just going to throw them out. It's all salads and cardio from here on out for me. I mean it.

And while I'm at it, here's some other things to which I'm resolved in 2013:

  • I will not let people refer to Ke$ha as an artist. Or a musician. Or a woman. Or a human. In fact, I won't let people acknowledge her existence at all. Maybe then she'll go away. Or finally succumb to Hepatitis Z. Which she invented.
  • I will read those National Book Award winners on my Nook, and not just let them sit there to impress anybody who steals my Nook. Same goes for the Dirty Projectors, Grizzly Bear and Japandroids albums on my iPhone.
  • I will figure out what smells like feet in my basement.
  • I will figure out who decided to keep Whitney on the air. And I will make them pay. If they are the same person who keeps delaying the return of Community ... oh man, they are in for it.
  • I will use my new Kitchenaid Stand Mixer. I promise, Katy.
  • I will read the work my friends send me, and offer them the critiques and advice they've asked me to give. Sorry I'm such a shitty friend sometimes, guys.
  • I will take my dogs for walks.
  • I will buy my wife flowers for no reason at all.
  • I will stop creating bulleted lists in every blog post.
  • I will buy Les Miserables on blu-ray, invite all my friends over for a viewing party, and then, during "Stars", I'll turn to everyone, eye-roll dramatically and go, "At least they got the title right, this IS miserable." And then I'll wiggle the cigar in my mouth for comedic effect. And then everyone will laugh and also be relieved to finally understand why I've been carrying around that unlit cigar in my mouth all night. Man, 2013 is going to RULE.
  • I will fight crime.

The Worst of 2012

by Andy Jay Bennett


Here they are, as promised: The 5 things I disliked the most this year. Leaving off, of course, the obvious and terrible tragedies and acts of nature that ruined lives, homes and places. Because that stuff isn't funny. And I don't do earnestness well. I prefer to be snarky. So, here you go:

WORST

VAMPIRES - Can we please be done with these things already? For every True Blood there's a Twilight and I can't keep straight anymore whether the sun makes them die or sparkle. Let alone understand why there's always werewolves popping up to either save or ruin the day. I say this as I'm in the midst of reading (and enjoying) The Passage but I really don't have any more room in my life for vampires. My wife is currently in love with both Damon and Eric who are on two completely different shows and she made me sit through all 150 minutes of the final Twilight movie. Vampires are ruining my life. So enough already. I'm begging you.

SALEM, MASS - Here's a fun idea. You know how Duluth residents hung those three African Americans back at the turn of the century? Let's make our whole city a theme park built around that! No? That's a bad idea? Well SOMEBODY TELL SALEM. I spent 5 hours there and it was one of the strangest experiences of my life. After I got done marveling at the decaying wax figures at the Salem Witch Museum (where I sat on a $5 plastic lawn chair from Walmart and watched lights rise and fall on a depressing diorama while listening to a soundtrack filled with the worst voice acting in history), I took a walk through the Witch Trials Memorial "honoring" those killed during the hysteria. This memorial is easy to find. Just park in the bank parking lot, and then walk down the alley. The memorial is right behind that guy's house, next to the coffee shop. Don't mind that family eating the paninis, they won't bother you if you don't bother them.

"CARING" ABOUT POLITICS - Remember when everybody did? What happened to that, huh? I guess we solved everything. Cool beans. Glad we fixed that.

THIS SONG 

Seriously. You guys know this song is about blow jobs, right? Okay, good. Keep singing along, then.

AND ALL THESE ARE TIED FOR #5 -

  • YOLO
  • Hashtags on Facebook
  • Keep Calm and ANYTHING
  • Allison Pill on The Newsroom
  • Claiming you and your friends are just like the cast of Girls