Helpful Sign Language For Wait Staff

by Andy Jay Bennett


I have a few annoying habits when it comes to table manners.

  • I frequently talk with my hand over my mouth, or with my cup obscuring my lips. (My wife claims this is because I'm self-conscious about my teeth. To which I respond, Well I am NOW.)
  • If I get a table with uneven legs, I WILL. NOT. STOP rocking the table.
  • If I order bacon on something and it arrives without bacon, I stab the very next person I see.
  • Whenever the wait staff assembles around a table to sing Happy Birthday to somebody, I wait until the applause dies back down, and then shout, "You know who doesn't get anymore birthdays? Wilford Brimley!" And then, when someone reminds me he isn't dead yet, I start to cry.

But, even worse than the habits above is my habit of peppering my conversation with the wait staff with a series of 'helpful' hand gestures. My lexicon is below:

First up, the "can I get another beverage?"

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Next, (this one is particularly useful if you're dining out with my wife) the "can I get another cup of sauce?"

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Now that you've mastered the beginner moves, let's move on to some stuff with action. These are the moves that will really impress (annoy) your (soon-to-be-ex-) friends and (ashamed-to-share-DNA-with-you) family.

First up, a real classic.

Next, the "Can I get a sugar packet?" Which can also be used in a pinch as the "Can I get another napkin?"

Now we're getting somewhere pathetic and sad. I actually used this one recently at Famous Dave's. That is a very sad sentence for many reasons.

That's the worst one I've got. But I am working on a little something special. Here's a sneak preview...

...oh, and yes. I took all of these in my bathroom.