Helpful Sign Language For Wait Staff

by Andy Jay Bennett

I have a few annoying habits when it comes to table manners.

  • I frequently talk with my hand over my mouth, or with my cup obscuring my lips. (My wife claims this is because I'm self-conscious about my teeth. To which I respond, Well I am NOW.)
  • If I get a table with uneven legs, I WILL. NOT. STOP rocking the table.
  • If I order bacon on something and it arrives without bacon, I stab the very next person I see.
  • Whenever the wait staff assembles around a table to sing Happy Birthday to somebody, I wait until the applause dies back down, and then shout, "You know who doesn't get anymore birthdays? Wilford Brimley!" And then, when someone reminds me he isn't dead yet, I start to cry.

But, even worse than the habits above is my habit of peppering my conversation with the wait staff with a series of 'helpful' hand gestures. My lexicon is below:

First up, the "can I get another beverage?"


Next, (this one is particularly useful if you're dining out with my wife) the "can I get another cup of sauce?"


Now that you've mastered the beginner moves, let's move on to some stuff with action. These are the moves that will really impress (annoy) your (soon-to-be-ex-) friends and (ashamed-to-share-DNA-with-you) family.

First up, a real classic.

Next, the "Can I get a sugar packet?" Which can also be used in a pinch as the "Can I get another napkin?"

Now we're getting somewhere pathetic and sad. I actually used this one recently at Famous Dave's. That is a very sad sentence for many reasons.

That's the worst one I've got. But I am working on a little something special. Here's a sneak preview...

...oh, and yes. I took all of these in my bathroom.