My New Year's Resolutions

by Andy Jay Bennett

Hey, anybody want this last scoop of cheese dip? No? What about these Christmas cookies? I'm just going to throw them out. It's all salads and cardio from here on out for me. I mean it.

And while I'm at it, here's some other things to which I'm resolved in 2013:

  • I will not let people refer to Ke$ha as an artist. Or a musician. Or a woman. Or a human. In fact, I won't let people acknowledge her existence at all. Maybe then she'll go away. Or finally succumb to Hepatitis Z. Which she invented.
  • I will read those National Book Award winners on my Nook, and not just let them sit there to impress anybody who steals my Nook. Same goes for the Dirty Projectors, Grizzly Bear and Japandroids albums on my iPhone.
  • I will figure out what smells like feet in my basement.
  • I will figure out who decided to keep Whitney on the air. And I will make them pay. If they are the same person who keeps delaying the return of Community ... oh man, they are in for it.
  • I will use my new Kitchenaid Stand Mixer. I promise, Katy.
  • I will read the work my friends send me, and offer them the critiques and advice they've asked me to give. Sorry I'm such a shitty friend sometimes, guys.
  • I will take my dogs for walks.
  • I will buy my wife flowers for no reason at all.
  • I will stop creating bulleted lists in every blog post.
  • I will buy Les Miserables on blu-ray, invite all my friends over for a viewing party, and then, during "Stars", I'll turn to everyone, eye-roll dramatically and go, "At least they got the title right, this IS miserable." And then I'll wiggle the cigar in my mouth for comedic effect. And then everyone will laugh and also be relieved to finally understand why I've been carrying around that unlit cigar in my mouth all night. Man, 2013 is going to RULE.
  • I will fight crime.