My Dog's New Year's Resolutions

by Andy Jay Bennett

Hey buds, it's Finn here. Just dropping in to share with you my New Year's resolutions. Ch-ch-check 'em out under this picture of me and the weird indoor tree my mom and dad put up every year and then hide paper-wrapped treats under just to torture me. (Tell you what, dad, how about I wrap buffalo wings up in the new Entertainment Weekly and tell YOU you can't touch it for a month and see how you like THAT. But I die-grease.)

  1. Learn how to order my own pizza. This will also mean acquiring money, learning how to use the phone, and opening the front door. Hmmm, I should've started smaller.
  2. Stop hiding in the bathtub every time there is a thunderstorm.
  3. Finish A Brief History of Time if it kills me. (and it just might, am I right?!)
  4. Tongue-wash my swimsuit area more often. That stuff will just NOT stay clean.
  5. Poop less and fart more. It just seems more time-effective.
  6. Find out where they hide the peanut butter. Then re-hide it somewhere only I know about. Then self high-five.
  7. Figure out an answer to the meaning of life. I know this is on my list every year. And I really thought I cracked it last time. But, turns out, the meaning of life is NOT pig's ears. So back to the drawing board.
  8. Play Javert in Les Miserables. Apparently, they're just letting ANYBODY do it now.
  9. Kill the vacuum.
  10. Stop hiding in the bathtub every time there are fireworks.