The Worst of 2012

by Andy Jay Bennett


Here they are, as promised: The 5 things I disliked the most this year. Leaving off, of course, the obvious and terrible tragedies and acts of nature that ruined lives, homes and places. Because that stuff isn't funny. And I don't do earnestness well. I prefer to be snarky. So, here you go:

WORST

VAMPIRES - Can we please be done with these things already? For every True Blood there's a Twilight and I can't keep straight anymore whether the sun makes them die or sparkle. Let alone understand why there's always werewolves popping up to either save or ruin the day. I say this as I'm in the midst of reading (and enjoying) The Passage but I really don't have any more room in my life for vampires. My wife is currently in love with both Damon and Eric who are on two completely different shows and she made me sit through all 150 minutes of the final Twilight movie. Vampires are ruining my life. So enough already. I'm begging you.

SALEM, MASS - Here's a fun idea. You know how Duluth residents hung those three African Americans back at the turn of the century? Let's make our whole city a theme park built around that! No? That's a bad idea? Well SOMEBODY TELL SALEM. I spent 5 hours there and it was one of the strangest experiences of my life. After I got done marveling at the decaying wax figures at the Salem Witch Museum (where I sat on a $5 plastic lawn chair from Walmart and watched lights rise and fall on a depressing diorama while listening to a soundtrack filled with the worst voice acting in history), I took a walk through the Witch Trials Memorial "honoring" those killed during the hysteria. This memorial is easy to find. Just park in the bank parking lot, and then walk down the alley. The memorial is right behind that guy's house, next to the coffee shop. Don't mind that family eating the paninis, they won't bother you if you don't bother them.

"CARING" ABOUT POLITICS - Remember when everybody did? What happened to that, huh? I guess we solved everything. Cool beans. Glad we fixed that.

THIS SONG 

Seriously. You guys know this song is about blow jobs, right? Okay, good. Keep singing along, then.

AND ALL THESE ARE TIED FOR #5 -

  • YOLO
  • Hashtags on Facebook
  • Keep Calm and ANYTHING
  • Allison Pill on The Newsroom
  • Claiming you and your friends are just like the cast of Girls