15 Reasons Why I Hated "Les Miserables"

by Andy Jay Bennett

  1. Marius is a freckled Kermit with less musical ability and a more annoying wiggle-jaw.
  2. Cosette has the fastest vibrato in recorded history.
  3. Hugh Jackman has apparently never heard of the concept of falsetto. His "Bring Him Home" would've woken up all of France. And probably some of Spain, too.
  4. If you're going to experiment with live singing, don't also experiment with extreme close-ups. It makes for a very ugly combination.
  5. If you're going to experiment with either of the things in number 4, don't do it with an epic, sweeping musical like Les Miserables. I felt more connected to the story and emotions sitting in the last row of a 3,000 seat auditorium than I did staring up Russel Crowe's nose while he either contemplated suicide or tried not to poop in his pantaloons. I'm not clear on which it was.
  6. What happened in that casting room? Did it go like this? "Hey, let's cast the handsome kid who can sing the shit out of everything as the love interest and stick this floppy-haired Muppet with the rubber jaw in the role of best friend." And then someone else said, "Actually, you know what would be better? If we did the opposite. Because I like ruining the holiday season for people."
  7. Someone needs to tell this director and cast that it's more powerful to see someone fighting tears than to just let a bunch of indulgent actors weep all over their period costumes. I felt like I was watching a Lifetime movie with commercial breaks for the importance of dental hygiene.
  8. I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be able to understand what the Thenardiers are saying. Unless the screenplay just said, "Then Borat and Bellatrix Lestrange mumble something cockney."
  9. The movie made me happy that a little kid got shot to death. Because I was THAT sick of him.
  10. It turned "One Day More" from something that gives me chills to something that had me saying "SERIOUSLY? We're only half-way through this frigging thing?"
  11. The new song, "Suddenly" feels more like a half-hearted attempt to earn an Oscar than a necessary part of the story.
  12. That was way more sewer poop than needed to get the point across.
  13. Fantine's hair didn't grow back once she was an angel. I would like to believe Heaven is a kinder place than that. I mean she got a shower, seraphim dentristry and a pretty new dress, but she's still got to sport the G.I. Jane for all eternity?
  14. How easy it was to disguise yourself in 19th Century France. Just pop on a hat and you're invisible!
  15. Russell Crowe.