5 Steps To Becoming The Perfect Facebook User

by Andy Jay Bennett

  1. Whenever something bad happens to you, post a status about it. But not, like, in an overt or explicit way. Never say "My boyfriend of 5 years just broke up with me." Instead, say "I'm done. Every time I put my heart out there it gets trampled on." That will make sure the maximum number of people comment on your status with question marks or "What's wrong?" And then you can pretend like they made you tell them.
  2. At least twice a month, post something overly dramatic about a condition your brother, uncle, neighbor, guy-you-heard-about-on-the-radio is afflicted with, and challenge all your friends to post about it, too. For a meaningless amount of time. Like an hour. That should be enough time to sort the true friends (the ones pure of heart) from the assholes.
  3. Here's something you might not know, EVERYONE is dying to see what your new haircut / hair color / tattoo / piercing looks like. Please post several pictures of it. But make sure you're making the same face in every photo. You know the face - that one where you're pouting. Yeah, that's so cute-while-at-the-same-time-sexy-and-wholly-unique.
  4. If, in your Internet travels, you find anything (and i mean ANYTHING) relating to "Star Wars" and/or cats, post the link. Immediately.
  5. Take any and every opportunity to co-opt a tragedy as an excuse to spout political beliefs. Oh, and be sure to post links supporting your position from questionable sources whose content you haven't even read. Bonus points if the things you're linking to are absolute bullshit. The only way to change the world is by complaining about how fucked up everything is on your Facebook page while downloading music illegally and watching porn.