I Gave "Twilight" $200 & Asked It To Entertain Me

by Andy Jay Bennett

And it did. Time and again.

But I don't mean "entertain" in the way Breaking Bad, Jeff Buckley's version of Hallelujah or A Prayer For Owen Meaney entertained me. Those were things that fascinated, thrilled and moved me. Twilight entertained me the way playing solitaire would entertain you if you were trapped in a cabin for three months. It would start out fun, but then you'd get bored by it. And then you'd come to resent it. And then you'd come to hate it. And then you'd sort of like it again. And then you'd go crazy, run out into the snow naked and scream for death.

All told, my wife and I have spent $200 on Stephanie Meyer and her band of supernaturals. My wife has read all the books (which we've purchased - a few I even gave to her as gifts). And each time she'd roll her eyes, complain about how poorly they were written, and then insist she had to keep reading to find out what happened. But I get it, because I've sat through 10 hours and 5 movies for the same reasons.

And the only moments of entertainment the movies have provided me are the unintentional ones: Thunder baseball; talking wolves and that one time where Kristen Stewart looks bored - those were the moments where I most felt I was getting my money's worth. If you need more examples, here's some 'entertaining' moments from the final film in the series:

  1. Jacob follows a man into the woods and forces him to watch as he strips naked and turns into a dog. And everybody's cool with that.
  2. Jacob, apparently, wants to have sex with a baby.
  3. This baby grows from infant to 8-year-old in a matter of months. Again, everybody's cool with that. Especially if they get to go on a fishing trip.
  4. Bella - upon hearing Jacob refer to her creepy CGI baby as "Nessie" - shouts, "You nicknamed my baby ... after the LOCH NESS MONSTER?!"
  5. Vampires aren't just vampires. They are also the fucking X-Men. Because being an immortal isn't enough. You also get the ability to make little dirt tornadoes.

See? Good shit, right?

But, as I sat through the final minutes of the series last night in the theater, something incredible happened. I found myself entertained. Like REALLY entertained. In a way that made me want to take back every bad thing I had ever said or thought about Stephanie Meyer and the glittering, mopey, sexist world she'd created. The story turned dark and the story grew some balls. For about 5 solid minutes, I actually liked "Twilight."

And then they pulled the rug out. In a way that made me hate the entire series forever and ever, Amen.

See, here's the thing, "Twilight." I wasn't expecting you to be good. It would have been fine with me if you'd lumbered on to what I was anticipating would be a whiny, anti-climactic ending. But no, you had to stick in about 5 minutes worth of storytelling with some teeth to it, and THEN wipe it all clean while showing me a big old middle finger. You advertised the entire movie around a lie. You Mash'd me.

At least Stephanie Meyer had the good sense and human decency not to put that sequence in the book. She was content to just let her turd fester without putting a bow on it.

And for that - more than the horrible acting and writing, more than unleashing the most lifeless celebrity couple the world will ever know and more than spawning those fucking 50 Shades books - I will never forgive you.